There were still questions

It was January 2020 and she’d made it through the worst of it, she’d made what was nearly a 180, but there were still questions and the questions were gaps. In the gaps there were walls and she couldn’t see the other side from one side or the other of any one. Then the virus hit and we were all ordered to stay in our homes. After stocking up, they did just that, she and her husband. Both being quiet types, introverts who liked to do their own things, there was a lot of alone time. Don’t be confused, that was the way they both had always wanted it. Each saw more than enough people and interacted enough each day. Oh they talked and shared things but mostly it was quiet and they liked that. Yet suddenly there was no outside interaction and it was a shock to her system. It jolted her into the past so full of tragic memories and she broke through those walls, finding the truth on the other side. It was excruciatingly painful and emotional but she was finally free.

I was free from reliving the traumatic events of my past, the fragmentation of my mind and personality, and ultimately the anger and fear that had ruled my life. I was able to forgive the man who hurt me and to see him as a person with a sickness. I regained empathy for him and for the world.

I became a new, whole person who was calm, confident, and capable. I can handle any situation with which I am confronted with poise and grace. I am no longer bothered by the difficulties that plagued me before now. I have found peace out of my chaos and in this chaotic world.

You see, the traumatic events of my childhood splintered my mind into distinctly separate personalities and each held a piece of origin trauma. Reliving the whole experience in a semi hypnotic state allowed the fragments of my mind to come together and I was mostly whole again. Only a few early, particularly traumatic events remained.

Later that summer, I was on a long walk, lost in my thoughts. My personalities always had an anchor that they talked to, a real life person that had a life in our minds. A few years before, a few of my alters became attached to a new one. So I ha some alters who talked to the original anchor and some that talked to the new.

While I was walking down the street, I was wrapped in intense conversation with the original anchor when suddenly I switched and I was talking to the other. When I can back to the original conversation, he said “you’re back. Where did you go?” And a breakthrough occurred and I could see both men and both alters at once. A merge occurred and I became even more whole.

O don’t know how which further I have to go if any at all but I have come a long way in my struggle for mental health and recovery. I am proud to say that I am a calm, happy, well balanced person today. I see people like I used to be; so angry and I feel a combination of humor and empathy. I wish I could just tell them how much better it is just to let it all go but I know they have to come to it in their own time, if they ever do and I hope they do.

I wish everyone could feel the serenity I have.



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